|I know it is cliche, but sometimes things don’t go as planned. Maybe God has a bigger yes?
My plan: To be the hero librarian, vanquisher of illiteracy and promoter of love of reading to all of the young students in my life.
An Original Poem
There are many devices in a man’s heart; nevertheless the counsel of the LORD, that shall stand. (KJV)
Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails. (NIV)
Jeremiah 29: 11 (NET Bible)
For I know what I have planned for you,’ says the LORD. ‘I have plans to prosper you, not to harm you. I have plans to give you a future filled with hope.
It is midnight and I can’t rest tonight and my knee is hurting
Broken record time again.
We silent sufferers are often looked down upon
But why can’t you work? You can write.
You can type or talk into a microphone at midnight.
You can walk.
But can I focus? Can I manage a task or budget?
Accurately count out change in pain?
Can I guarantee I will not fall apart
My body not function, get an infection from my medications.
Miss two weeks of work and get fired?
I think back to the time at my school
When my principal did not know the scope of my pain
I had two knee replacements but was not improving.
The disease went on silent stealth,
invading other joints and coloring them a red hue.
She put me on review.
I don’t blame her.
I was coming in and sitting.
I couldn’t lift a book.
I kept dropping encyclopedias on my toes.
They were so black and blue.
I knew my days were numbered
I saw the writing in the cards.
Can you imagine the pain that silent sufferers face?
I know I am not alone.
This is one of the reason I write
To shine a light even it if it is midnight.
When bodies fail and work is impossible
You feel stopped and trapped.
You can’t face another day when you feel like a failure.
I should be able to complete that task. Everyone else can.
I should be able to meet that deadline.
Arthritis shouldn’t win.
Sometimes the disabled can’t overcome
Sometimes they can’t keep going.
Their bodies stop, their minds don’t work.
They can’t guarantee a boss that they will show
Up on this day or that.
They can’t guarantee that they will complete that task on time.
They could cost the company money
because of missed deadlines.
Depression sets in then.
It is like this cycle where the disabled
I mean we are like everyone else.
We want to be a success.
We want to succeed and help our companies.
Our children in our schools,
Our patients in our hospitals.
All those that depend upon us to do a good job.
Some days though when you are disabled
All you can do is show up and rob the boss of a paycheck.
You sit in pain and want to die because you lie.
That is where I was honestly at.
God rescued me though.
He loves me even as broken as I am.
He can still use me
and talk through me.
Maybe I can help be a voice
For those who understand
and are facing the same pain
and dilemmas that I did.
I finally had to be honest.
I couldn’t be a hero. I couldn’t work.
I went home and cried, feeling like I was dying
But God had a bigger plan.
He made me a writer (or voicer?) in the night.
My Life May Have Not Gone As Planned
This post was originally written for day 21 in both the October 2014 31 Days online writing challenge started by home blogger, Myquillyn Smith (The Nester) and Kate Motaung’s Five Minute Friday and her 31-Day Five Minute Writing Challenge. What has changed since this original post less than two years ago? Pain still is a foe and friend at times, but I am more grounded in my faith about my future because God planned a glorious life for me. His plan unravels daily in ways I never imagined.
I thank my blogging communities for this. When you write and blog, you think people will just find you and come and read. Not so as I learned through the years. It is all about networking and joining communities. I have joined an eclectic mix of them such as Christian blogging groups on Facebook including Susan Chamberlain Shipe’s 31 Day’s Survivors: We’re Better Together group. I love the feedback, the support, and prayers I receive from the member’s of this group. Other groups include Corrine Rodrigues‘ Blog Commenting Tribe group. Wonderful ladies from these groups and my own Literacy Musing Mondays community as well as the Slice of Lifers provide wonderful inspiration and spiritual friendships that run deeper than any face to face friendships that I have ever had (bar one: My closest friends: Kelly).
God has Planned a Wonderful life for Me.
God knew I needed writing to save me from my pain.
He used my words to lift and buoy me.
He brought me out of valleys unto mountains.
His Plans are more wonderful then I can imagine.
The pain shrinks in comparison to His Love Plan for my life.
His plans fill my future with Hope.
He has planned miracles, love, and abundance for my future.
This post is my fifth entry for THE MARCH SOLSC! #SOL16 which started Tuesday.